http://floridakeys10.cityspur.com/2009/11/08/is-this-the-beginnings-of-a-good-story/ When You Simply Want the Best that the Florida Keys Has to Offer Fri, 10 Feb 2012 10:40:36 +0000 hourly 1 http://wordpress.org/?v=3.1 http://floridakeys10.cityspur.com/2009/11/08/is-this-the-beginnings-of-a-good-story/comment-page-1/#comment-4281 spiderpi Sun, 08 Nov 2009 08:52:26 +0000 http://floridakeys10.cityspur.com/2009/11/08/is-this-the-beginnings-of-a-good-story/#comment-4281 I'm confused. Is Alli dead or not? And it seems weird that the dad's very first reaction would be sheer panic when for all he knows, Alli just had to go to the bathroom. Plus, the sudden fainting was overkill, and you didn't take enough time for me to care about the characters before they all suddenly started drowning. Maybe it actually happens, but your hospital scenario with the instant blood pressure drop seems weird and unbelievable. If this IS a common occurrence and you've researched it, explain why and how it happens, because right now it makes no sense. Things happen way too quickly for me to connect to any of it. It just seems so abrupt. And for some who was so stressed out that he fainted just because his daughter was missing, he sure doesn't seem to care when he finds out she's dead. There's a lot lacking here. I’m confused. Is Alli dead or not? And it seems weird that the dad’s very first reaction would be sheer panic when for all he knows, Alli just had to go to the bathroom. Plus, the sudden fainting was overkill, and you didn’t take enough time for me to care about the characters before they all suddenly started drowning. Maybe it actually happens, but your hospital scenario with the instant blood pressure drop seems weird and unbelievable. If this IS a common occurrence and you’ve researched it, explain why and how it happens, because right now it makes no sense. Things happen way too quickly for me to connect to any of it. It just seems so abrupt. And for some who was so stressed out that he fainted just because his daughter was missing, he sure doesn’t seem to care when he finds out she’s dead. There’s a lot lacking here.

]]> http://floridakeys10.cityspur.com/2009/11/08/is-this-the-beginnings-of-a-good-story/comment-page-1/#comment-4280 Cecelia Sun, 08 Nov 2009 08:40:44 +0000 http://floridakeys10.cityspur.com/2009/11/08/is-this-the-beginnings-of-a-good-story/#comment-4280 That is a fantastic start to your story! I love the dramatic irony when we know Alli is in danger and her Dad doesn't - that piece of suspense is really well worked out! Also, the loving relationship shown in the letter was brilliantly conveyed. I also love the tension built up in Alli's last section, from 'Then it hit me' to 'Dad.' Also the way that you don't instantly reveal everything is nice. We aren't confronted with simple facts, they are insinuated and described, such as Calvin's paintings. Things to improve: You at first call his wife 'Katie' and then later 'Kate.' Pick one name and stick to it to avoid confusion. Check some grammar. I was a little confused at one point - you might want to make it a little clearer that Alli has died. I know you do mention it, but for something so tragic as the loss of a daughter needs a lot more detail of the reaction. When he wakes up he won't really be bothering about getting some rest or his heart, his mind will be hurting terribly from his loss. Perhaps show that while Kate is attending to Calvin in his bed that she is suffering as well but trying to be strong for her husband? You might also want to add a bit of a time lag between Calvin realising that Alli is gone and panicking. He would have to be a real pessimist otherwise! Maybe use this as an opportunity to build suspense - his mind could be running through places she could be. Sorry if that seems like criticism, but it's all to help you! Overall though, a fantastic start! Good luck with the rest of the story! That is a fantastic start to your story! I love the dramatic irony when we know Alli is in danger and her Dad doesn’t – that piece of suspense is really well worked out! Also, the loving relationship shown in the letter was brilliantly conveyed. I also love the tension built up in Alli’s last section, from ‘Then it hit me’ to ‘Dad.’ Also the way that you don’t instantly reveal everything is nice. We aren’t confronted with simple facts, they are insinuated and described, such as Calvin’s paintings.
Things to improve:
You at first call his wife ‘Katie’ and then later ‘Kate.’ Pick one name and stick to it to avoid confusion. Check some grammar. I was a little confused at one point – you might want to make it a little clearer that Alli has died. I know you do mention it, but for something so tragic as the loss of a daughter needs a lot more detail of the reaction. When he wakes up he won’t really be bothering about getting some rest or his heart, his mind will be hurting terribly from his loss. Perhaps show that while Kate is attending to Calvin in his bed that she is suffering as well but trying to be strong for her husband? You might also want to add a bit of a time lag between Calvin realising that Alli is gone and panicking. He would have to be a real pessimist otherwise! Maybe use this as an opportunity to build suspense – his mind could be running through places she could be.
Sorry if that seems like criticism, but it’s all to help you! Overall though, a fantastic start!
Good luck with the rest of the story!

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