Is This The Beginnings Of A Good Story?
The _______ means it is switching characters. The two characters are the Dad (Calvin) and the Daughter (Alli)
Water, water, water
That was all I could hear,smell, feel, and taste.
The stinging sensation of the icy cold saltwater was crushing into my nose, my ears, my mouth, and my eyes.
My arms were flailing out everywhere, trying in a desperate attempt to free myself from the riptide that was crushing, spinning me out of control.
“Help!” I tried to scream. Now I was gagging from the water in my throat.
“Keep Swimming!” I told myself. “You can do this, Alli!”
“Dad!” I yelped.
Eyes burning and mouth gagging, I gave in and let the water carry me downward.
______________________________________…
I laughed quietly at the note written to me by my eldest daughter, Lillian.
**************************************…
Dad,
Well, well, well, this little girl is off to Europe while my oh-so-talented father is sitting on his butt reading this book I sent him!
I miss you all very much here, and I hope your paintings become a big hit! If you’re not a millionaire by the time I get back, then I don’t know what I’ll do!
People in France are very..different. They drink wine for every meal here, the streets are smaller and many people walk instead of using cars. Also, dinner is very, very late, but no worries! I snack so much on all the street food that it doesn’t matter much!
Well. I hope you like this book, and that it isn’t one of those book that end up on your “reading table”, which for some reason, the books on the table are never touched…
Au revoir,
Lilly
**************************************…
I looked up at my painting. It was of the beach Alli and I was at for the day. My wife, Katie, was at the hotel. We had all just driven to Frazie’s Beach in Florida all the way from Tuscan, Arizona! We had made little stops until Alli had wailed, “Dad! I REALLY got to go!” which we then stopped at the nearest gas station to use the public restrooms. Other than restroom breaks, we used the food from our cooler, Katie and I sand along to the 80’s station, and Alli listened to the Ipod she had gotten for Christmas.
The trip took three days. Occasionally, Katie would get nauseated from her pregnancy, but she thankfully hasn’t gotten sick yet.
I looked back at Alli. She wasn’t there.
I was out of my lawn chair in a second.
“Alli?” I panicked.
I went down and up the beach, into the water, as far out as I could go. I was crying, I was laughing hysterically, I was screaming, I had lost it.
“Hey, you!” The lifeguard shouted. “ Don’t go out that far!”
He started rushing toward me as I screamed, “My daughter!” and fainted in the water.
______________________________________…
Crash!
I heard the soothing sound of the waves crashing gently against the sand.
“This must be heaven.” I pondered.
I wondered why, if this was heaven, there was so much pain. My head hurt like crazy, and my eyes and throat felt swollen. I felt the back of my head, and there was a bandage on it. I realized I could move my fingers, so I slowly moved each part of my body until I knew, for sure, that I could walk.
Then it hit me.
The riptide.
The beach.
Drowning.
Dad.
I sat up abruptly and it was a little too much for my aching head. I slowly lied back down with the comforting thought that I would only sleep a little while..
______________________________________…
“Calvin!” I heard my wife’s panicked voice beside me. “You’re crying!”
I realized I was crying.
“Kates, Alli…she…water…I wasn’t….attention…painting…!” I stuttered.
“Honey, just go back to sleep.” Came Kate’s soothing voice.
“No!” I shouted. I sat up and looked around me. I had an IV connected to my right arm and a bandage on the back of my head. “What?” I trailed off.
Kate explained that when I learned of Alli’s death, the truth hit me so hard, that I fainted.
“I was so afraid I had lost both of you!” Kate finished.
At this point, Kate walked over to me and burst into tears. We were both crying when the doctor came in and said that after a few tests, we could go back to the suite.
“But you are strictly to be on bed rest for 48 hours, because of your heart condition.” He informed us.
“My heart?”
“Yes, your heartbeat dramatically dropped very low when you got here.” He said. “ Oh, and no caffeine for about a week or the results could lead to a heart attack.”
Kate’s eyes were swollen by the time we got back to our hotel, Patrick’s Suites.
“Your mother called while you were in the infirmary.” Kate motioned for me to get the key out of the back seat. “She insisted on paying for our stay here, and she said she’s coming down from Maine within a few days.”
It was dark, as were our moods, and Kate slipped on her black nightgown, and I, black sweat
Cecelia on Sun, 8th Nov 2009 8:40 am
That is a fantastic start to your story! I love the dramatic irony when we know Alli is in danger and her Dad doesn’t – that piece of suspense is really well worked out! Also, the loving relationship shown in the letter was brilliantly conveyed. I also love the tension built up in Alli’s last section, from ‘Then it hit me’ to ‘Dad.’ Also the way that you don’t instantly reveal everything is nice. We aren’t confronted with simple facts, they are insinuated and described, such as Calvin’s paintings.
Things to improve:
You at first call his wife ‘Katie’ and then later ‘Kate.’ Pick one name and stick to it to avoid confusion. Check some grammar. I was a little confused at one point – you might want to make it a little clearer that Alli has died. I know you do mention it, but for something so tragic as the loss of a daughter needs a lot more detail of the reaction. When he wakes up he won’t really be bothering about getting some rest or his heart, his mind will be hurting terribly from his loss. Perhaps show that while Kate is attending to Calvin in his bed that she is suffering as well but trying to be strong for her husband? You might also want to add a bit of a time lag between Calvin realising that Alli is gone and panicking. He would have to be a real pessimist otherwise! Maybe use this as an opportunity to build suspense – his mind could be running through places she could be.
Sorry if that seems like criticism, but it’s all to help you! Overall though, a fantastic start!
Good luck with the rest of the story!
spiderpi on Sun, 8th Nov 2009 8:52 am
I’m confused. Is Alli dead or not? And it seems weird that the dad’s very first reaction would be sheer panic when for all he knows, Alli just had to go to the bathroom. Plus, the sudden fainting was overkill, and you didn’t take enough time for me to care about the characters before they all suddenly started drowning. Maybe it actually happens, but your hospital scenario with the instant blood pressure drop seems weird and unbelievable. If this IS a common occurrence and you’ve researched it, explain why and how it happens, because right now it makes no sense. Things happen way too quickly for me to connect to any of it. It just seems so abrupt. And for some who was so stressed out that he fainted just because his daughter was missing, he sure doesn’t seem to care when he finds out she’s dead. There’s a lot lacking here.